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| Celebrating Tennyson's 3rd birthday at Fiesta Texas |
The big news in the interim is:
- We've gone plant-based (since May 2015) -which is basically vegan
- Had our fourth baby, Miss Truly Anne
- I celebrated 8 years as a photographer and we decided it was time to trade roles, so Brian's starting a business and I'm getting to be full-time mommy --and LOVING IT!
During the past two years I was doing so much soul-searching and kept seeking the answer to "what's my greater purpose?" Focusing on being the provider and always feeling guilty for not being mommy enough, pushed by overwhelming messages from business owners/entrepreneurs/life coaches on social media to "hashtag hustle" and "live your passion" and "do what you were created for" -my very being was spinning in confusion.
"I'm more than just a photographer; anyone can hold a camera and take pictures. WHAT am I SUPPOSED to be doing with my life?!?" my heart shouted, the last sentence ringing in the vastness of space.
This June I took Truly on what was planned as a work trip to Alaska, back to my roots. It ended up being a wake up call that I desperately needed. Surrounded by women who knew and loved me -me before I became so engrossed in being the breadwinner, so engrossed in what I produced- I realized that my greater calling, the thing that I was so desperate to do with my life was right in front of me the whole time. I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy.
Four children and I finally wanted to simply do the best I could at caring for and raising them.
When I got home I wanted to jump right into in and, unfortunately, went about it all elbows. I'm full-blooded border collie and that means ENTHUSIASM! Lots of enthusiasm.
After a couple weeks, I simmered down and it dawned on me that with all the nurturing I was wanting to do, I should probably start looking at the care of our marriage. 13 years and it's been one heck of a roller coaster. Chatting with my sister, she recommended a book that has consequently changed our LIVES. I kid you not.
And then I found
After the first book changed my whole perspective and solidified a nagging feeling I'd had for years which asked, "what IS the role of a man in these modern days?? Aren't they the ones who are being 'beat up' and marginalized now?" and the second book I have read and continue to reread as a guide to understand, support and love on my husband daily.
I also realized that social media was driving me bonkers. It's commonly stated that, despite living in the most comfortable, prosperous, well-provided for, easily accessible time in the history of planet earth, we are more depressed than ever. "Hashtag first world problems." I thought in quippy facebook posts. I took photos of everything I ate and did and realized I was trapped in thinking I had to justify my existence to...who? Everyone? Filling every crack of time with flipping through social media posts while, quite frankly, ignoring my children and husband, I was trading creating a facade with actually having a life and relationships.
After listening to a podcast where Dr. Laura told a caller that if she wanted to have a better marriage she needed to get off social media I told Brian I was going to cut the cord. Heck, was I nervous about giving up my electronic addiction. But I did it. I stopped posting. I stopped checking. I removed the apps from my phone. Within a few days, do you know what happened? Peace.
I began to have a sense of peace in my life. Two weeks later I began to stop thinking in social media blurbs. My children had my full attention. Conversations -wonderful, long conversations- became a regular thing with my husband.
I got a life.
I also realized that social media was driving me bonkers. It's commonly stated that, despite living in the most comfortable, prosperous, well-provided for, easily accessible time in the history of planet earth, we are more depressed than ever. "Hashtag first world problems." I thought in quippy facebook posts. I took photos of everything I ate and did and realized I was trapped in thinking I had to justify my existence to...who? Everyone? Filling every crack of time with flipping through social media posts while, quite frankly, ignoring my children and husband, I was trading creating a facade with actually having a life and relationships.
After listening to a podcast where Dr. Laura told a caller that if she wanted to have a better marriage she needed to get off social media I told Brian I was going to cut the cord. Heck, was I nervous about giving up my electronic addiction. But I did it. I stopped posting. I stopped checking. I removed the apps from my phone. Within a few days, do you know what happened? Peace.
I began to have a sense of peace in my life. Two weeks later I began to stop thinking in social media blurbs. My children had my full attention. Conversations -wonderful, long conversations- became a regular thing with my husband.
I got a life.
And I tell ya what: I have never been happier. Our marriage has never been better. Our whole family is happier.
The proof is in the pudding. The ideas in those books may seem archaic -the roles of women and men- but I've got news: the "modern woman" is one unhappy gal because YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL. So pick what makes you happiest and stop being so damn selfish. Those are my main takeaways.
Every woman should read these books. Every. Woman. After years of feeling unloved, yearning to be cherished, wondering why my husband didn't treat me the way I felt I deserved, I got a great big splash of reality like an ice bucket challenge. I had been the one sabotaging my own happiness. Not him. He was simply reacting to my attitudes and behaviors. True, no one is perfect and not every challenge we'd been dealing with was 100% my fault. BUT. By changing my perspective and attitudes, it was like flicking a light switch on and -SHAZAM- everything changed.
Let's get even more personal here. And the reason I want to is not to overshare, but the speak truth into an area that is severely being overlooked and not talked about. The care of our marriage, the care of our men, creating the happiness we as women are desperate for.
Once I changed my attitudes and perspectives, began thinking more about what would make Brian happy instead of being so darn selfish, all of a sudden (literally) Brian began reacting to me and treating me the way I had pined for. Love, affection, romance, tenderness -all these things flooded into our lives. He developed a spring in his step, he was HAPPY! The disgruntled, angry attitude that was pervasive for years melted away and I saw the man I fell in love with: an idealist, a visionary, a playful, fun-loving, happy, witty, funny man!
He wrapped me up in his arms and said, "I've got to write a thank you note to Dr. Laura. She gave me my wife back!!"
Every woman should read these books. Every. Woman. After years of feeling unloved, yearning to be cherished, wondering why my husband didn't treat me the way I felt I deserved, I got a great big splash of reality like an ice bucket challenge. I had been the one sabotaging my own happiness. Not him. He was simply reacting to my attitudes and behaviors. True, no one is perfect and not every challenge we'd been dealing with was 100% my fault. BUT. By changing my perspective and attitudes, it was like flicking a light switch on and -SHAZAM- everything changed.
Let's get even more personal here. And the reason I want to is not to overshare, but the speak truth into an area that is severely being overlooked and not talked about. The care of our marriage, the care of our men, creating the happiness we as women are desperate for.
Once I changed my attitudes and perspectives, began thinking more about what would make Brian happy instead of being so darn selfish, all of a sudden (literally) Brian began reacting to me and treating me the way I had pined for. Love, affection, romance, tenderness -all these things flooded into our lives. He developed a spring in his step, he was HAPPY! The disgruntled, angry attitude that was pervasive for years melted away and I saw the man I fell in love with: an idealist, a visionary, a playful, fun-loving, happy, witty, funny man!
He wrapped me up in his arms and said, "I've got to write a thank you note to Dr. Laura. She gave me my wife back!!"
As Brian says about our situation (me as provider, he as nurturer,) we were trying to wear each other's pants. They didn't fit. Once we got our roles back to normal -the way we were biologically designed- we both were happy. No more fighting upstream. Going with the flowing.
After a few days in Alaska, surrounded by loving people who had shared history for decades, I finally began to feel like Kelly again. A feeling I hadn't had for YEARS. I was a person, not a product.
In August Truly and I went to a family reunion in Cape Cod and I remember feeling quite lost. I wasn't sure how to "be" -again, I wasn't a product, I was a person. I was so out of practice being around people and not representing what I did. Looking at my sister and brother-in-law and their fabulous clan of six children, I noticed that they were just there. And everyone loved them. No one cared about what they did or made or produced for a living. They added a sweetness to any room or situation they were in. We all flocked to them because of who they were, their essence.
I wanted to be that. I want to have that about myself. I want to bring that to my family.
I want to raise good people. And Brian and I both agree that we don't care if they grow up to be waitresses or garbage men or attorneys or rodeo clowns. We just want them to be able to operate in the world and make whatever they'd like of their lives. We want people who know they can choose happiness, and that's just a perspective. An attitude.
So I'm finally regularly cleaning my house. Every Monday.
I'm baking bread with my kiddos.
We're reading stories together.
We're walking to park and playing Trolls: The Movie soundtrack as loud as we can on our little portable speaker while swinging.
And, most importantly, we're all very happy.
Another book I highly recommend was given me by my dear friend Gina Murrow, owner of Paint-a-Scarf. Her mother gave it to her and she passed it on to me. It helped me realize that all these talents I have that I've been trying to hawk are invaluable resources to infuse into my homemaking and mothering.
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