Happy At Last

Celebrating Tennyson's 3rd birthday at Fiesta Texas

It's been about two years since I've last blogged here and, really, I have social media to thank (not thank) for that.  As well as having created a new blog that was natural birth-plant based focused for a project I was working on (so feel free to delve into the depths of that one.  I really like some of the recipes.)

The big news in the interim is:

• We've gone plant-based (since May 2015) -which is basically vegan
• Had our fourth baby, Miss Truly Anne
• I celebrated 8 years as a photographer and we decided it was time to trade roles, so Brian's starting a business and I'm getting to be full-time mommy --and LOVING IT!

During the past two years I was doing so much soul-searching and kept seeking the answer to "what's my greater purpose?"  Focusing on being the provider and always feeling guilty for not being mommy enough, pushed by overwhelming messages from business owners/entrepreneurs/life coaches on social media to "hashtag hustle" and "live your passion" and "do what you were created for" -my very being was spinning in confusion.  

"I'm more than just a photographer; anyone can hold a camera and take pictures.  WHAT am I SUPPOSED to be doing with my life?!?" my heart shouted, the last sentence ringing in the vastness of space.

This June I took Truly on what was planned as a work trip to Alaska, back to my roots.  It ended up being a wake up call that I desperately needed.  Surrounded by women who knew and loved me -me before I became so engrossed in being the breadwinner, so engrossed in what I produced- I realized that my greater calling, the thing that I was so desperate to do with my life was right in front of me the whole time.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy.

Four children and I finally wanted to simply do the best I could at caring for and raising them.

When I got home I wanted to jump right into in and, unfortunately, went about it all elbows.  I'm full-blooded border collie and that means ENTHUSIASM! Lots of enthusiasm.

After a couple weeks, I simmered down and it dawned on me that with all the nurturing I was wanting to do, I should probably start looking at the care of our marriage.  13 years and it's been one heck of a roller coaster.  Chatting with my sister, she recommended a book that has consequently changed our LIVES.  I kid you not.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

And then I found

Fascinating Womanhood (updated) by Helen Andelin

After the first book changed my whole perspective and solidified a nagging feeling I'd had for years which asked, "what IS the role of a man in these modern days??  Aren't they the ones who are being 'beat up' and marginalized now?" and the second book I have read and continue to reread as a guide to understand, support and love on my husband daily.

I also realized that social media was driving me bonkers.  It's commonly stated that, despite living in the most comfortable, prosperous, well-provided for, easily accessible time in the history of planet earth, we are more depressed than ever.  "Hashtag first world problems."  I thought in quippy facebook posts.  I took photos of everything I ate and did and realized I was trapped in thinking I had to justify my existence to...who?  Everyone?  Filling every crack of time with flipping through social media posts while, quite frankly, ignoring my children and husband, I was trading creating a facade with actually having a life and relationships.

After listening to a podcast where Dr. Laura told a caller that if she wanted to have a better marriage she needed to get off social media I told Brian I was going to cut the cord.  Heck, was I nervous about giving up my electronic addiction.  But I did it.  I stopped posting.  I stopped checking.  I removed the apps from my phone.  Within a few days, do you know what happened?  Peace.
I began to have a sense of peace in my life.  Two weeks later I began to stop thinking in social media blurbs.  My children had my full attention.  Conversations -wonderful, long conversations- became a regular thing with my husband.

I got a life.

And I tell ya what: I have never been happier.  Our marriage has never been better.  Our whole family is happier.

The proof is in the pudding.  The ideas in those books may seem archaic -the roles of women and men- but I've got news: the "modern woman" is one unhappy gal because YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL.  So pick what makes you happiest and stop being so damn selfish.  Those are my main takeaways.

Every woman should read these books.  Every. Woman.  After years of feeling unloved, yearning to be cherished, wondering why my husband didn't treat me the way I felt I deserved, I got a great big splash of reality like an ice bucket challenge.  I had been the one sabotaging my own happiness.  Not him.  He was simply reacting to my attitudes and behaviors.  True, no one is perfect and not every challenge we'd been dealing with was 100% my fault.  BUT.  By changing my perspective and attitudes, it was like flicking a light switch on and -SHAZAM- everything changed.

Let's get even more personal here.  And the reason I want to is not to overshare, but the speak truth into an area that is severely being overlooked and not talked about.  The care of our marriage, the care of our men, creating the happiness we as women are desperate for.
Once I changed my attitudes and perspectives, began thinking more about what would make Brian happy instead of being so darn selfish, all of a sudden (literally) Brian began reacting to me and treating me the way I had pined for.  Love, affection, romance, tenderness -all these things flooded into our lives.  He developed a spring in his step, he was HAPPY!  The disgruntled, angry attitude that was pervasive for years melted away and I saw the man I fell in love with: an idealist, a visionary, a playful, fun-loving, happy, witty, funny man!

He wrapped me up in his arms and said, "I've got to write a thank you note to Dr. Laura.  She gave me my wife back!!"

As Brian says about our situation (me as provider, he as nurturer,) we were trying to wear each other's pants.  They didn't fit.  Once we got our roles back to normal -the way we were biologically designed- we both were happy.  No more fighting upstream.  Going with the flowing.

After a few days in Alaska, surrounded by loving people who had shared history for decades, I finally began to feel like Kelly again.  A feeling I hadn't had for YEARS.  I was a person, not a product.

In August Truly and I went to a family reunion in Cape Cod and I remember feeling quite lost.  I wasn't sure how to "be" -again, I wasn't a product, I was a person.  I was so out of practice being around people and not representing what I did.  Looking at my sister and brother-in-law and their fabulous clan of six children, I noticed that they were just there.  And everyone loved them.  No one cared about what they did or made or produced for a living.  They added a sweetness to any room or situation they were in.  We all flocked to them because of who they were, their essence.  

I wanted to be that.  I want to have that about myself.  I want to bring that to my family.

I want to raise good people.  And Brian and I both agree that we don't care if they grow up to be waitresses or garbage men or attorneys or rodeo clowns.  We just want them to be able to operate in the world and make whatever they'd like of their lives.  We want people who know they can choose happiness, and that's just a perspective.  An attitude.

So I'm finally regularly cleaning my house.  Every Monday.

I'm baking bread with my kiddos.

We're reading stories together.

We're walking to park and playing Trolls: The Movie soundtrack as loud as we can on our little portable speaker while swinging.

And, most importantly, we're all very happy.

Another book I highly recommend was given me by my dear friend Gina Murrow, owner of Paint-a-Scarf.  Her mother gave it to her and she passed it on to me.  It helped me realize that all these talents I have that I've been trying to hawk are invaluable resources to infuse into my homemaking and mothering.

The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer

Road Test: Driving and Hiking in Seward

This week's Alaskan Adventure took us to Seward to hike Caines Head trail and see the sights on the beautiful drive down. It was a much lighter excursion than last week, a mere 3 miles round trip but the terrain and sights were varied. So far every hike has exposed us to different terrain -rocky mountain sides, dense forest trails, creekside walks, tundra-esque valleys, and now northern rain forest and shale beaches.
I played dj on the drive up. We started with choice selections of Johnny Cash to commence our journey. Next was a touch of Neil Diamond, one of my all-time favorites. Since it was a day after my birthday and Brian saw the trip as one of my presents (I've been begging to drive to Seward and hike) I felt no restraints on passenger etiquette and sang my heart out along with all my favorite tunes. Thankfully Brian didn't complain or put a plastic bag over my head. After Neil we grooved to Jim Croce, and I flipped through two of my birthday presents: A HUGE Rand McNally road atlas and "1,000 Places to See Before You Die" -the U.S. and Canada version. We plan to map out our road trip south and hit as many of those sites as we can, within reason. I was in heaven!
We drove into Seward and went straight to the trailhead. Okay, we sort of went straight there. I got a little lost and gave Brian bad directions, but we only had to turn around twice! And as I always say, the nice thing about driving is you can always turn around.

Our hike in was easy, quiet and solitary, only passing a few hikers on their way back out. Those of you who've hiked the trail before know that about 1.3 miles in there is a bridge over a small river with a stunning view as it spills into the ocean just a stone's throw away. Savannah and Smoke found a yellow lab to play with and it's owner to bother. We were sure Savannah decided she found a better family because she crossed over the river and played with the lab for near half and hour and it took Brian ages to get her to cross back to us and leave the poor man and his dog alone. In retrospect it was pretty funny, though I feel bad we interrupted his solitude.
Along the beach I was delighted to find a patch of wild iris. They were stunning in their natural environment! How sublime to be surrounded by sea, mountains, rain forest -all of this pristine beauty- AND gorgeous wildflowers that I normally pay $12 bucks for a small bunch at the store (which of course wilt in a few days.) Instead we've captured some of our favorite views which will never fade, wilt or erode and we can treasure them forever.
We walked along the shale beach for a ways. A group of kayakers paddled back into the harbor after a tour of the coast. Several otters played on their backs and splashed about. Savannah got schooled by a large spaniel that bounded around it's three human companions sitting on a pile of driftwood enjoying the sea air. Smoke kept getting himself lost in the tall, hardy grass growing along the beach. I kept staring at the ground in hopes of finding some treasures from the sea (with no such luck.)
We walked inland to pick up the trail back and passed a small animal carcass half submerged in the little creek that fed into the sea. It looked to be the size of a cat and was well decomposed. We didn't stay long to inspect it, hoping the dogs would ignore it and thankfully they did.
Back on the trail we walked through a forest who's spruce branches were covered in thick tufts of moss. We appeared to have been transported to the Moon of Endor (okay, where are my Star Wars fans?) It was a beautifully spacious and strange piece of woods -the oddest we've ever been in. As we recrossed the bridge and made our way up the trail we came upon a large group of young kids and chaperons. This time it was Smoke's turn to abandon us and pick a more favorable crew and once again Brian had to follow him, leash him and run back up the hill to catch up with us. But you can't blame Smoke, he found people his size! We'll soon give him a little guy to play with.
One very hungry pregnant woman and her hubby finally made it back to the car and the new mission was finding a place for fish and chips. We drove around and finally decided upon a dive in the "downtown" area right next to the candy shop that was at the top of my list of places to visit in Seward. It was your typical greasy spoon joint, complete with "regulars" at the horseshoe counter by the kitchen. The faux brick and decorative copper molds were a bit much, though. It looked more like a set than a functional kitchen area, but in a hokey way it had some charm. The food, on the other hand, was truly disappointing. We managed to choke down some inferior pieces of fried halibut, chicken and french fries, washed down with tiny diner mugs of coffee. I won't slander the name, but if you want fish and chips stay down by the marina.
Unfortunately I was too full to contemplate getting any delicious ice cream or freshly made chocolates at the candy store next door, so we just took a gander at the sweets. Okay, fine, I contemplated dessert and Brian even asked if I wanted some, but after eating a pint of grease I didn't have much of an appetite. We poked around in a few touristy stores along the block and viewed some of the vendor booths set up in the side streets. Every 4th of July Seward hosts the Mount Marathon race and hundreds of people drive in, hence vendors making the most of all the hubbub. The race takes runners up Mount Marathon -several thousand feet up-, hitting the peak, then basically sliding back down on the lose shale rock. It's insane. Even Brian had the sense to see it was crazy, and that's saying a lot.
We drove to a viewing point of Exit Glacier on our way out of town in order to catch one more spectacular view. The vast expanse of glacial silt and rock ground up by the glacier was astounding. Once again, glorious views and a great big chunk of ice thousands of years old. Simply amazing.
Summit Lake Lodge -a MUST to stop at. My dad used to stop here every time we drove up this way -he absolutely loved it. The woodsy cabin toasty warm inside with the grand rock fireplace and friendly wait staff -plus the food was delicious and only got better over the years. The lodge sits on the edge of a lovely mountain lake and affords an absolutely picturesque view so you can enjoy your coffee and pie (as I did) while gazing wistfully at the serene beauty.
We had a marvelous time be-bopping down the road listening to our classic rock and country, making plans for the future, drinking in the delicious views with the dogs passed out in the back seat. I am so glad we got to go to make this trip before we left. It was one of my dad's favorite spots to take us as kids, often stopping at any (and I mean ANY) body of water to do a bit of fishing, and of course a meal at Summit Lake Lodge. As the last Cameron in Alaska I feel like I'm leaving a lot of special, if not sacred, places behind. Being able to visit them one last time before we move continues to bring me much needed closure and peace. I am also very glad I can share these memories and special places with Brian and am so thankful to have a partner who is so supportive and understanding. We are already planning pieces of a family trip we want to take when Wilder's old enough to enjoy traveling up to Alaska so he can experience what I've grown up with and loved so much. All in all we had another wonderful Alaskan Adventure. Where will it be next week? Tune in to see...