The past three days God has been doing some heavy duty work in my heart. We're talking major construction. Its ongoing, but the foundation has been laid and there is a definite change.
Getting down to the nitty-gritty, God took me back to the place where I turned my back on him nearly 9 years ago after my father passed away at 46 years old. At that point -that crucial, pivotal point- I decided that I wanted to have nothing to do with him and I would live my life exactly how I wanted to. I began that new life of what is regrettably, but truly, darkness and emptiness, operating in despair and pain with the open wound of grief poorly covered and never allowed to heal properly. I am by no means having a pity party here, nor am I saying, "Oh, woe is me, my life sucked." I'm simply stating that the past near decade has been significantly empty of true meaning and certainly filled with a few truck loads of crap and bad choices and that, basically, life really does suck without God. He brought me to a point at this very moment in my life where I am committed to him, pursuing him and finally in a safe place with a support network to do some major healing, demolition and construction that I have previously been unable to experience. And it feels wonderful!
He truly has restored my soul. It is as if I have finally come home after a very rough journey, returning to the familiar embrace of my Father and the sweet smells of safety and wholeness. He is helping me forgive myself for the 9 years of darkness and all that went down during that time. He is holding me and healing me after years of trying to fix myself on my own -and devastatingly failing. I don't have to be strong any more because I am allowing God to hold me now; the anger towards him is gone and has been replaced with peace. It feels "quiet" inside me; sturdy and peaceful and somewhat exhausted because now I can rest.
He continues to pour out his phenomenal blessings. Uncommon Women is bursting with his work, my photography company is taking off, I'm loving being a wife and mother and working from home, I've even booked some acting gigs. And all during this whirl of activity and blessing he is helping and healing my heart.
I celebrate God's faithfulness, power and redeeming love and thank him with my whole heart for restoring my soul. It is good to be home. And whole.