Becoming a mother easily took over my identity. The amazing transformation of our lives which happened so easily, the weighty position of becoming responsible for the healthy and happy upbringing of a new little person, the drastic changes my everyday life would take on after giving birth -all of these things lead to "Mother" as the overriding descriptor of who I was going to be in a matter of months.
Rightly so, I needed to adjust my life perspective to encompass things which would effect our new little one. Life would never be the same and in a very real way that scared me. When my family began adopting in the early 90's it quickly created a grand total of 10 kids, including Crystal and I. I suppose the severe changes in lifestyle as we added to our family has had a subconscious effect as Brian and I begin our own. With so many people in the house and my need for quiet I spent a great deal of time holed up in my room to avoid the chaos and noise. Family in moderation hasn't exactly been normal to me. Visiting Crystal and her clan, I knew I could never handle five kids, particularly in such close ages, though she thrives on the energy and loves all the little bodies. I believe I was afraid that having one child would equal the organized chaos as seen in my family and my sister's, and quite honestly that doesn't jive with my capabilities.
Crystal gave me "On Becoming Babywise," an excellent book that I just started yesterday. The first advice it gives is that you must have a healthy marriage to raise a healthy child. Sounds basic enough, but it was revolutionary to me. Instead of the center of my existence being our baby, life should go on pretty much as normal -Brian and I enjoying life together as a couple, pursing our dreams, nurturing other friend and family relationships- just adding baby to the mix. That's not to say Wilder is a charm in my bracelet of collected likes and interests, it's creating a healthy family environment that Wilder can be added to as a team member instead of becoming the little king of our universe. I tell you, this was an incredibly freeing concept for me.
Over the past 24 hours my heart has become lighter. I was sure -and afraid- that in becoming a mother I would cease to be anything else. I was thrilled at the idea of beginning a family and sharing the world with our baby, but very uneasy where the rest of life would be directed. Thanks to a few pages of sage advice, echoed in agreement by Brian, I feel that the world has only gotten bigger, not smaller, now that I am a mother.
As I walked Smoke and Savannah this morning in the early sunshine, the cloudless sky above and behind the stunning silhouette of the mountain range, I felt new joy and freedom in my realization that life wouldn't end in a few months but only begin to be richer and fuller. I feel stronger, more confident, and even more excited to get going and have this baby!
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