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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Is There Womb for Three? (No, I'm not having triplets) | Bonded | Pregnancy at 20 weeks

The pregnancy is halfway through.  I think we finally settled on a name today and finally -*finally*- it's all feeling real.  And acceptable.

I'll be honest with you.  When we decided to try to have another baby, there wasn't a whole lot of planning put into it -not a lot of debating.  Plenty of warm fuzzies and "awh, wouldn't it be sweet"s but not a lot of forethought.  Usually we have a month of trying and the following cycle we're in baby making business.  It was different this time.
This time, I got pregnant within 2 weeks of "Awwwwhhh...wouldn't it be sweet."


Not that it's a bad thing.  At ALL.  It's just a totally different situation that I've been in before.

I had the luxury of not having much on my plate while pregnant with Wilder and Waverley.  I wasn't working besides acting and my hobbies.  There was (seemingly) endless (especially with Wilder's) amounts of time to soak in the radiance and quietness of pregnancy.  Pregnancy yoga DVDs, naps, all the baby related movies I could get my hands on, reading countless books, dreaming of the things my children and I would once do after they'd reached certain ages.

I kinda want to go find that Kelly and shake her.
I was one lucky lady to get to enjoy those periods.  I mean, fer real, while pregnant with Wilder I WAS MAKING QUILTS and watching musicals all day.  (Pardon me while I mourn the passing of those quiet times in my house.  Sniff.)

It's different now.  There's worry about work.  There's balancing of life.  There's opportunities missed.  And, I'll be frank (hi, nice to meet you,) there's also some fear.

Will I have as much love for this baby as I've had for my other two?
Will I be able to make the time to be both a good mother and a good business owner?
Will I be able to keep my sanity?

And the chorus of other mother's all said, "Yes!"
I know it's true, but it certainly feels surreal.  And with all that's going on with work/life now, it is scary thinking about bringing another little person in this hecticness. (Spell check things that's not a word.  It is.)

And I'm selfish.  I want to be with my baby, to breastfeed as much as possible, to just focus on my little one and my other medium and big people, to take a break and just be a woman.
It's okay for me to admit that I want those things.   Most mothers do once they give birth and see how captivating their little miracles are.  Priorities get rearranged once you understand that all the other stuff is so meaningless compared to family.
Well, a paycheck is nice.  That's caring for your family, too.

So I'm trying to psych myself up for the inevitable balancing act of working right up til and right after giving birth.  Please, I'm not moaning about my situation -it is a wonderful and really amazing life we've been able to create as a photographer and stay-at-home dad.  It's awesome that we have the opportunity to all be together so often and the kids have such a uniquely strong relationship with their daddy.  It's good, but it ain't easy and it's okay to say, "Hey, I get worried.  I get stressed out.  I get overwhelmed and want to give up sometimes, too.  It's just how I feel."

And today (whaddya know?  She's finally getting back to her point!) the metaphorical clouds lifted and I began feeling towards this new family member what I had felt earlier on with each of the kids as they were in the womb.  I finally connected with the quiet peace and bond of my baby.
My baby named....
(Ha!  Still not sharing. Brian's insistence, so you can punch him, not me.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you Dear Kelly. Mama


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