Blue News

Now that he has a permanent home in the 4th Infantry Division (4th ID) at Fort Hood Brian has released me to share he is slated to deploy to Iraq mid-December.

A few weeks ago I waited for Brian to come home and share what division he was assigned to. All day long I anxiously awaited the news. For some reason I even got more dolled up than usual, carefully styled my hair and applied my make up. I suppose I wanted to look good for such significant news, good or bad. Near 5 o'clock he rolled into the driveway and began unloading a slew of goodies he found at an antique shop on the way home.
"Look, honey! I got you and Wilder a vintage rocking chair! And I bought this neat radio -look, it works! And I got this..." His excitement overflowed with his new finds while I tried my darnedest to contain what I had been sweating all day long: will Brian be attached to a currently deploying unit? Finally he brought the last item in. As he barely finished his last sentence I took him by the shoulders, squared him to me and asked, "So, who are you connected to?"

"Oh," his excitement immediately deflated, "that's the bad news. I was hoping to distract you with all the new stuff I got. I didn't want to come home right away to tell you the bad news, so I puttered around at that antique shop." You see, just the day before some desk jockey joe read his orders and said, "Hey, 4th ID." Brian asked him if he was sure and the joe said, "Yeah, 1st ID. Like I said." Obviously confused, Brian had hoped he read the paper correctly the second time. 1st ID wasn't slated to deploy any time soon, whereas 4th ID was. Still, he didn't put too much weight on what the soldier said.

Brian continued, "I'm with 4th ID."
"And when are they scheduled to deploy?"
"December."
I was in shock. You know how sometimes you smile and laugh at terrible news? Well, that's just what I did. Then I cried. It seemed too bizarre -impossible- that he could be leaving so soon. We would have had 1 year and two weeks together after a 1 1/2 year absence, only to have him gone for another 12-15 months. My main thought was, "How can this happen? The baby will barely be one month old. I will still be adjusting to an erratic sleep and feeding schedule, stressed out as can be with my role as a new mother, and on top of that you'll be leaving?! For A YEAR?!"

You see, in order not to scare me Brian had told me his best case scenario as my worst case scenario: He may be deployed around June or something, but he was hoping to get attached to a unit that was still building strength and had no orders yet. Secretly he was afraid of the very real possibility that he would be attached to a unit which had already deployed and he would have only a month in Texas before getting shipped out. So getting deployed in December was a plus in his mind -three more months together- whereas it was absolutely devastating to me. I had no idea he could be sent away that soon. For some reason I thought he had said he had at least 6 months in Texas before they could send him anywhere.

Crushed, I lead Brian to the staircase of our big, empty house to sit as we talked. I just needed him to hold me as we worked through the initial shock.
"If I had taken the time, I could have figured out who I was attached to by reading the code on my orders when I got them in July, but I was afraid it would be bad news and thought we'd just wait until I reported to Fort Hood to find out. I didn't want our whole summer to be doom and gloom -and I don't want the next three months to be, either." He was right, the death sentence (as we call it) would have completely tainted our summer, our fabulous road trip, the joy of house hunting, etc. "I want us to keep having as much fun together as we have this whole past year."

And we have had so much fun. We have had a tremendous year together. Every day I think how happy and blessed I am -I can hardly write a new post without sharing with great exuberance that I am the luckiest girl alive. So before you cry in your coffee for me, let me share some pluses of this deployment.
1) Brian will not miss Wilder's second year. This was of great concern to me when Brian re-enlisted. I didn't want him (nor did he) to miss the fun of first words and greater interaction and memory building with our son. Wilder will be, at most, 16 months old when Daddy returns. Hey, last deployment Brian left me with a puppy and got to miss out on the joys of potty training and Savannah's chewing destruction. This time he'll miss out on more sleepless nights and all that fabulous crying! Still, I'd rather have a newborn to care for than be shipped off to Iraq, so I'm not complaining. We both have our own sets of challenges.

2) We are in a fabulous position here in Georgetown. Remember how everything all fell together for us? We found our new home and were moved in within one month. We got a family car that I love. We're in a fabulous neighborhood and wonderful community. We have family nearby. And on top of that, we have already met some lovely young couples (with and without children) that live nearby and we believe we've found our new church home. Things have worked out so beautifully and we've been provided for so completely, it is obvious God had a plan for us and has continued to take care of us so very well.

3) Deployments are easier with children. It is a general consensus among Army wives that those with children do much better than those without. You have somebody to care for, to distract you, to keep you company and to keep you responsible for taking care of yourself (and them, of course, too.) So now I'll have my two furry buddies, Savannah and Smoke, and our bouncing baby boy.

So there are some positive things about this deployment. I still allow myself to feel what I need to feel in regards to the anguish of being separated from the man I love and the very real danger he will be in on a daily basis. There aren't too many vehicles that are as protective as the Strykers he was in last time and now he'll be in a Bradley (like a tank) that is 20+ years old. As usual, I try not to think about what he faces daily out there and, instead, focus on how he just has to come back to us in the end since we have built too beautiful of a life together for it to stop now. That's the hope and promise I cling to. Plus, that Brian is so darn good at his job and will always take care of himself.

Now I begin to make my list of "Things to Accomplish This Year." It is the best way I've found to actually get excited about Brian deploying. Last time I made a wonderful list of goals and things to try, only to get through about 1/8th of them. Still, it is a great distraction and encourages personal growth in a time when idleness and depression can swallow you whole. If we cease to challenge ourselves, we cease to truly live.

So, my friends, this is not the best news in the world -far from the joyous reports that have tripped from my finger tips to your computer screens in past weeks- but it shall not be devastating. I continually live in hope and anticipation for great things to continue in our future. Somehow we will make this year+ away outstanding, and you can bet I will still be faithfully documenting and sharing our journey along the way.