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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Reinvention and Rediscovery: Part 1

I was fortunate enough to be born smack-dab in the middle of the year, so six months ago I wrote my New Year's resolutions and now is a highly appropriate time to reassess and make new goals. You may have noticed that this month's aim is to reinvent and recreate myself, something mainly prompted by experiences in my June travels. I believe I am off to a happy start.

During my time with my sister and some of my dearest friends up in Alaska I realized my utter lack of a spiritual life. I knew I needed to surround myself with other like-minded and like-hearted Christian women in order to nurture a relationship with God. I needed to start going to church regularly. What I really needed, though, was genuine belief and faith.

Junior high through early college I had a very strong relationship with God and an active spiritual life. I considered myself a very good Christian -and was rather proud of it. Yet when my father passed away in 2001 my rock-solid faith slowly unraveled and I, like the prodigal son, turned the opposite direction. I was embarrassed by my over-spiritualized life and doubted many of my religious experiences. I felt I couldn't trust God and had no idea who He really was -and, quite frankly, didn't care to know Him after what He'd taken away.

Over the past 8 years I've had episodes of "coming back to Jesus," but nothing really stuck. The question of who God really is was too giagantic to face. Through various crisises I'd renew my Chrsitian faith, but once things were hunky dory I didn't need Jesus interfering with my regular life. I still didn't trust Him and felt I had gone too far out of His reach to ever truly be welcomed back again.

Back to the present. I came home to my quiet house, my uncomplicated peaceful life and wondered, "what am I doing? What's my purpose? What am I accomplishing and working towards?" I realized the answer was nothing. True, I have a very noble and highly valuable job of raising our family and caring for our household as I can. My job is also to be a supportive and loving wife, equals in our journey together as a couple. I can be a good person and attempt to be a model citizen, but all of it still felt empty.

Yesterday I sat down and journaled a prayer asking God to hold me as we started a journey together of greater purpose, of closer relationship and of a life truly worth living. I yearn to be a woman of God, a model to my children of His love and attributes, to be relieved of worry and anxiety because I place my faith in Him, to be held daily in His love which fills up all the empty spaces of my soul. As I prayed and reflected, I felt lead to Psalm 23. When I opened to the chapter and began to read, the tears fell.

"The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul."
Psalm 23: 1-2

I have been so tired inside, desperately needing those green pastures and still waters to rest and be restored. God will not leave me in want of Him as I persue, as I seek, ask and knock. He promises to lead me as I enter back into His tender mercies and His loving care. My heart once again resonates with my favorite hymn, "Great is Thy Faithfulness" Oh God, Great is Your Faithfulness.

I wrote four goals in my journal.
1) Read and memorize scripture
2) Go to church regularly
3) Find a women's bible study
4) Read Bible stories and Christian books to Wilder

I bought a Cynthia Heald bible study, "Becoming a Woman of Purpose" that I will start soon, hopefully with a dear friend of mine. I found some awesome Christian kids books on CBD.com that I'm so excited to read with Wilder once they arrive. We tried a new church this Sunday, but it didn't fit right, so we're still looking. And I am dedicated to getting hooked on Scripture.

I am so thankful for all the people who have kept me in their prayers through the years and am so bowled over by God and His never-ending faithfulness to me and all-consuming love. Praise God, because I know I am on the path to greater fulfillment and a very personal relationship with Him. I know He will see me through my tough questions which previously seemed insurmountable and I am greatly looking forward to becoming the woman God made me to be.

So this is Part One of my journey. Though I am specifically focusing on recreating myself this month, it is, of course, a life-long and daily endeavor. One which I am greatly looking forward to.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh my Dear Sweet Kelly,
You are right, it is daily and lifelong. I love you - always have, always will. You are in for a wonderfully deep adventure. Hang on tight! Love Mama


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